Emptied of expectation. Relax. (tinyjo) wrote,
Emptied of expectation. Relax.


I've got a doctors appointment today. 4:30. And now I'm getting nervous about it. Trouble is, if I do get diagnosed as having a thyroid problem, that would be great for me. It would mean that a whole bunch of problematic things would turn out to be treatable instead of just annoying. And I don't just mean my weight, although that's a big part of it, but things like my memory, my lack of energy, even my breathlessness might all clear up on their own. But that's the problem. I really want it. I'm trying hard not to but I do. This is part of the reason that I've been resistant to the idea that there might be a medical component to my weight problems for years - if we test it and it turns out to be false after all then I'll be crushed because by that point, I've bought into the idea. It doesn't help that I've actually had a sudden marked spike in my weight which I haven't figured out a cause for - I don't think my diet has changed and I've been going swimming but I've put on a stone in a month. Not good.

In a way, it's ridiculous to get worked up about it. Either way, testing isn't going to change anything. Observing, in this case, won't change the conditions. If there is an imbalance then we'll know about it and if not, well, nothing's any different than it was yesterday.

Perhaps part of it is the linguistic link. There's a test and a desired outcome from my point of view. I hate failing tests. Always have. I worked really hard at school and generally I test well. I know it isn't that kind of test. There's no right result here, no pass/fail, no A* to be achieved but I suspect something in the back of my head is setting off that reaction again, which is not helpful. Repeat 100 times after me. A negative test (another oh so useful word) is not a failure.

Just, you know, keep your fingers crossed for me this afternoon.
Tags: health, weight
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