Emptied of expectation. Relax. (tinyjo) wrote,
Emptied of expectation. Relax.

  • Mood:

End of the world

Am feeling weird right now. Sort of stressed and uncertain and adrift. I guess part of it is the sense, which I haven't felt for a while, that I have no voice, and not even the right to a voice, over the events which are currently shaping what I find myself increasingly thinking of as the pre-war period. If I was American, I could go and protest at an airport, call my Congressperson, something. I am horrified and appalled by Trump but I am torn between feeling that it's not my business to say to Americans what sort of leader they should choose and a sense of myself as a mid 30s hand wringing intellectual, deploring the rise of fascism and seeing where it was going and still not managing to do anything about it. It's partly this that kept me away from the Women's March on London last week - what would I be saying, that I don't like Trump? Well that's true, but why would anyone care? I will be going if there's a protest when he comes here though. I was trying to think of another time that I'd felt like this, to ground this experience in something that worked out in the end and the closest I could come was the Russian coup in the 90s, when Yeltsin rode into Moscow on a tank, which wasn't reassuring. I was playing Rockband yesterday and ended up choking up singing "We didn't light the fire" because the last few times I've sung that I've thought that I bet there's a 2016 filk of that song and just that idea right now was a little much.

Other than the rising sense of impending doom, it was actually a lovely week, if pretty busy. It was really nice to see [personal profile] coalescent and bibliolicious for dinner and girly night cocktails really hit the spot. I had an amazing cocktail which was made with apple pie syrup which I wish I'd remembered to photo. I had my first go at applying for a dep head job, although I didn't get shortlisted, and went to look around another school today. It looked nice, but was pretty big and seemed very serious - I'll apply but I suspect they're looking for someone with more experience than me.

I think maybe I should focus on trying to get well this week. If I could swallow without pain and didn't sneeze all the time, I might feel better able to cope with other stuff.
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